2002-05-09 - Spring Orgo Night
Butler Library Reading Room, 11:59pm
[March in to Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite a shitty year in New York City, it's the most invincible band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Cheap Battery Park Apartments!
[fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Finals - Going on soon
J. Student Advising - Going on nowhere
and J.Underage Drinking - Probably going on in this room {(alternate: "right here")}
[fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous, semi-circular, recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. Featuring Lion's Court coming down, Suicide bombers blowing up, and a horde of Columbia students who just don't give a fuck, the band now presents its 35th consecutive, 70th semi-annual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous Orgo.
ALTERNATE:
Welcomes itself, in keeping with 30 years of tradition, to lavish, luminous, loquacious, lurid, and legendary Low Library, where the steps are rock hard, but sadly not the men, and where the women wear togas, but are cold and metallic. Featuring Lion's court coming down, Suicide bombers blowing up, and a horde of Columbia students who just don't give a fuck, the band now presents its 35th consecutive, 70th semi-annual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous Orgo.
[Play Who Owns New York]
In Columbia news, Dean of the Architecture School and Lerner Hall designer Bernard Tschumi has been appointed to design a new museum at the foot of the Acropolis to house various Greek treasures. As huge fans of Tschumi's previous creations - which consist of Lerner Hall and a drawing of a penis on the wall of Hamilton Hall's seventh floor Men's Room - we wonder what will be the outcome of this newest venture. Will cunning Odysseus become lost for years in his wanderings in countless maze-like ramps looking for his mail? Will the tantalizing smell of the Roast Beef Mexicali become Greece's new siren song? Will the museum gift-shop be run by Barnes & Noble? Also, senior football star Johnathan Reese recently signed to play for the Jets following his graduation. Perhaps now, no longer encumbered by the rest of the Lions, Reese will finally join a winning team not at the center of everyone's jokes. And with the year and his term coming to a close, President Rupp has abandoned any semblance of work and is now often spotted sharing a beer and a joint with Julio at JJ's place. Still, perhaps closet alcoholism was a better choice for Rupp than public drunkenness. At a recent Q and A session with incoming President Bollinger, a wasted Rupp kept running up to the microphone and asking his own question of the new Prez: "Dude, dude, how much dick did you have to suck to get this job?" Way to go George. In honor of Columbia's future, the band now forms Lee Bollinger and plays "Living on a Prayer."
[Play "Living on a Prayer"]
As Columbia TA's have become increasingly confrontational with the anti-union administration, recently holding a one-day strike, we wonder what will occur if Grad Students really do join the United Auto Workers. Perhaps they too will join the ranks of workers sporting fashionable polyester jackets with Teamsters logos and hats, shouting clever cheers like "Columbia sucks, I want big bucks." Will the administration now be bullied by strong-arm tactics from mysterious Grad Students named "Big Pussy" from the Comparative Lit Department? Will your visit to office hours be met with TA's sitting in circles, drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and groans about being on break? Wait... that wouldn't be a change at all! Still, with the bargaining power that TA's could have in a union, Columbia students can rejoice as their contracts now stipulate mandatory 30 minute breaks in all of our 50 minute discussion sections. Surprisingly, last week's one day TA strike lacked any real backing from most of the grad students. However, despite having fewer attendees than even the Varsity Show, their performance was still deemed to be more entertaining. In honor of unionization, the band now forms a Ford Escort and plays "Carry on my Wayward Auto Workers."
[Play "Carry On My Wayward Son"]
The months following September 11th have seen the Bush administration come out with TV ads targeted towards youth, declaring that any and all drug use supports terrorist activities and presents a risk towards domestic security. Following the logic that drugs aid terrorist activities, Attorney General John Ashcroft recently declared all of Columbia University a terrorist cell and a risk to New York City. When asked for comment, Mayor Bloomberg told us that he himself disagreed with the Bush initiative and in fact believes sensible drug use to a part of public policy. The mayor stated, "I've been doing my part - I know we're in a drought, so I haven't changed my bong water for a month!" In other drug news, we've learned that with the members of the de-chartered frat Beta's eviction from their house, a power vacuum among coke dealers in Morningside Heights has resulted, and Columbia Security expects a major war between the recent pledge classes of ADP and St. A's. On the upside, with Beta out of the picture, perhaps we'll no longer have a need for Take Back The Night. Recently, the President of Yale declared his support for eliminating the ban on student aid to those students convicted of drug charges. This comes as no surprise, as constant smack use is an essential element of easing the pain of attending school in New Haven. In honor of constant drug use the band now forms a bag of Heroin and plays the Metallica classic "Master of Puppets."
[Play "Master of Puppets"]
The ongoing charges brought against Catholic Priests accused of raping little boys seems to bare an uncanny closeness to the recent issue of virtual child pornography, which the Supreme Court recently OK'd. President Bush confirmed the connection earlier this week, telling the press that the new ease with which Americans can all get photos of hot virtual pre-teen anal action is part of his "Faith-Based initiative" plan. The recent court ruling has also resulted in a significant increase in the purchase of nude photos of the adolescent all-boyband Dream Streets. Columbia itself has responded to this crisis by shutting down the childcare center in Earl Hall. In response, campus pastors have threatened to strike, citing this closing as a loss of work benefits. The Vatican has also decided to canonize a number of new saints in response to their new attitude towards sex, which include Ron Jeremy, Charlie Sheen, and R. Kelly. When the Catholic Church was asked how they could honor a Child Molester like R. Kelly, the Pope responded, "Hey, at least he's not gay!" In honor of moral authority figures, the band now forms one of R. Kelly's playmates and plays "Sweet Child of Mine."
[Play "Sweet Child of Mine"]
In other world affairs, the murderous rampage of a student that killed over a dozen in a German high school has lead to speculation that American cultural imperialism continues on in other countries. I mean, just when you thought Germany couldn't appropriate more bad American pop culture habits, like David Hasselhoff and Baywatch, now it seems like they love our violent school shootings! Foreign Policy expert George W. Bush responded to these events calling the Germans "amateurs" and telling their Chancellor, "Why don't you people stick to what you're good at, like losing World Wars and brewing me beer!" In other news about death, TLC's Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, who died in a car crash off a cliff in Honduras, has forced us to wonder if she perhaps chased one too many waterfalls. Fellow still-living entertainer Ally McBeal also suffered in recent weeks, with the cancellation of her show on Fox. A distraught McBeal is now reportedly struggling to put food on the table since the end of her job. With the likelihood that any food eaten would be promptly vomited out anyway, though, we don't really have much sympathy. I mean, come on! Isn't bulimia inherently funny? Well, at least if you don't go to Barnard! In honor of bulimia the band now sticks its finger down its throat and plays the theme from Goldfinger.
[Play "Goldfinger"]
The population of France has been rejoicing following the defeat of the extreme right-wing presidential candidate Jean-Marie Le Pen. The protests against Le Pen came as a shock to the world community, given the French's heroic history of resisting Nazism in the past. But the Columbia student body, ready to take a celebratory bong rip with Rupp on the way out and Bollinger on the way in, can't help but wonder if our new president might take a few tips from Le Pen during the fledgling days of his administration. What problems can be fixed by a fascist dictator at a university? Better sports thanks to more genetically pure athletes? Class crowding? The clap? Given Le Pen's policy of opposing immigration, we expect steps to be taken against the "illegal immigrants" of the Ivy League, Barnard students! In the end, though, Columbia Students have nothing to fear, as they've already survived for years with a fascist administrator - Dean of Academic Affairs Kathryn Yatrakis. From moving the drop date, to pushing up the dean's list requirements, we can only wonder how long it will be before scholarship Students are forced to fulfill weekly allotments of hard labor... er, Work-Study a week inside concentration ca... er, Living and Learning Centers. In honor of Columbia the band now forms the administration and plays "Asshole Rhapsody."
[Play "Bohemian Rhapsody"]
Well, that's all for us tonight. But before we go, we'd like to leave you with a few study hints for that big Orgo exam tomorrow:
A mole of ester is sensitive to the touch, while a molester touches sensitive areas.
Uracil Hydroxide or URH forms unstable structures.
The compound tri-nitro-toleune, or TNT, is used to destroy buildings with explosions of flames. The network TNT destroys old movies with washes of color.
Goodnight everyone!
[March out to Raw]